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Willie's Almost Eagle on # 15
GOLF JOKES 6.6.2026
The Physical Therapist
Two women were playing golf when one teed off and watched in horror as her ball screamed toward a foursome on the next hole. It struck one of the men, who immediately dropped to the ground clutching himself in agony.
She ran over and said, “I’m so sorry. I’m actually a physical therapist. If you’ll let me, I can help relieve the pain.”
After some hesitation, the man agreed. She gently moved his hands aside, loosened his pants, and carefully massaged the area for several minutes.
Finally she asked, “How does that feel now?”
He winced and said, “That feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell.”
The Ravine Skeleton
John sliced his ball deep into a wooded ravine and climbed down with a 7-iron to look for it. After hacking through the brush for a few minutes, he saw something shiny.
It was a skeleton lying beside an old golf ball, still clutching a 7-iron.
John looked up toward the fairway and shouted, “Hey Don, throw me my 8-iron. Apparently you can’t get out of here with a seven.”
The Best Round of His Life
A man started his round with an eagle, then a birdie, then a hole-in-one on the third. Right then his phone rang. It was the hospital telling him his wife had been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition.
He said he’d head right over, but then looked at his scorecard and thought, I may never play like this again.
So he played a few more holes. Then a few more. Then all eighteen. He finished with a career-best 61 and shattered the club record.
When he finally got to the hospital, the doctor glared at him and said, “Your wife has been here fighting for her life while you were out there having the round of your life.”
The man collapsed in guilt.
The doctor paused, smirked, and said, “Relax. I’m messing with you. She died three hours ago. So… what’d you shoot?”
The Genie and the Million Ducks
Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but had no lighter. He asked his buddy, who reached into his bag and produced a giant 12-inch lighter.
“Where in the world did you get that?” his friend asked.
“From my genie.”
“You have a genie?”
Sure enough, the golfer opened his bag and out popped a genie.
The other guy got excited and said, “Can I make a wish?”
“Go ahead,” said the genie.
“I want a million bucks!”
The genie disappeared, and seconds later the sky filled with ducks.
“What the hell?” the golfer yelled. “I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!”
His friend shrugged and said, “Yeah, he’s hard of hearing. You think I asked for a 12-inch BIC?”
The Barn Shot
A man and his wife were playing golf with another couple when the man hooked his drive behind a barn. His friend said, “If you open both doors, you’ve got a straight shot to the green.”
So they opened the doors. He swung, the ball ricocheted around inside the barn, flew out a side window, and hit his wife in the head.
Ten years later he finally returned to the same course. On the same hole, he hooked it behind the same barn. His new playing partner said, “If you open both doors, you’ve got a shot.”
The golfer shook his head. “No chance. Last time I tried that, I made a seven.”
The Highway Hook
After a miserable round, a golfer skipped the clubhouse and headed for the parking lot when a police officer stopped him.
“Did you happen to tee off on the 16th hole about 20 minutes ago?” the officer asked.
“Yeah.”
“Did you hook your drive over the trees and out onto the highway?”
“…Yeah.”
“Well, your ball went through a windshield, caused a pile-up, and delayed a fire truck. So what do you think you should do now?”
The golfer thought for a second and said, “I guess I should close my stance a little, strengthen my grip, and lower my right thumb.”
The Ladies Tee Announcement
Mike was standing on the first hole in front of the clubhouse, getting ready to hit, when the loudspeaker crackled: “Would the gentleman on the ladies tee please move back to the men’s tee.”
Mike ignored it and reset.
The announcement came again, louder: “Would the gentleman on the ladies tee please move back to the men’s tee.”
Mike looked up and yelled, “Would the idiot on the loudspeaker please shut up and let me hit my second shot?”
LOFT
A struggling golfer took a lesson and after every awful shot the pro said the same thing: “Your problem is LOFT.”
After the third disaster the golfer snapped, “What the hell does LOFT mean?”
The pro said, “Lack Of Fucking Talent.”
Eventually
A terrible golfer asked his caddie, “Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?”
The caddie said, “Eventually.”
Two Good Balls
“I had a terrible round today. I only hit two good balls, and that was when I stepped on a rake.”
Ball Washer
“I once played a course so hard, I lost two balls in the ball washer.”
Practice Swing
“That wasn’t a practice swing. That was a swing I regret.”
Greens in Regulation
“I hit every green in regulation today. I was just playing the wrong course.”
Golf and Relationships
Golf is a lot like a relationship. If you’re not having fun, you’re probably keeping score.
The Greatest Hits - Top Things That Sound Dirty in Golf (But Aren’t)
Mind if I join your threesome?
My hands are so sweaty I can’t get a good grip.
Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.
Stand with your back turned and drop it.
Look at the size of his putter.
Hold up… I need to wash my balls first.
Cadillac Tees
A guy asked a woman to grab his Cadillac keys from his pocket because his hands were full of groceries.
When she did, two golf tees fell out too.
She picked them up and asked, “What are these for?”
He said, “To keep my balls in the air while I’m driving.”
She nodded and said, “Wow. Cadillac really thinks of everything.”
Don’t Tell Me You’ve Got Golf Clubs in There
After 10 years alone on a deserted island, a guy sees a stunning woman emerge from the water in a wetsuit.
She offers him a cigarette, then a drink, then starts unzipping the front of the suit.
She asks, “How long has it been since you’ve had some real fun?”
His eyes go wide. “Don’t tell me you’ve got golf clubs in there.”
here's no denying it— Golf is hard.
And sometimes, you need to keep things light to ease the frustration and help golfers change their mindset. There's no better place to be than the golf course, so keep it fun and enjoy your round with 10 of the funniest golf jokes we were able to find.
Golf balls are like eggs. They’re white, sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy some more.
Why do golfers always carry a spare pair of trousers with them? In case they get a hole in one.
A guy on vacation finishes his round, goes into the clubhouse. The head pro says, “Did you have a good time out there?” The man replied “Fabulous, thank you.”
“You’re welcome,” said the pro. “How did you find the greens?”
“Easy. I just walked to the end of the fairways and there they were."
After a particularly poor round, a golfer spotted a lake as he walked despondently up the 18th. He looked at his caddie and said, “I’ve played so badly all day, I think I’m going to drown myself in that lake.” The caddie, quick as a flash, replied, “I’m not sure you could keep your head down that long.”
What is the difference between a golfer and a fisherman? When a golfer lies, he doesn’t have to bring anything home to prove it.
You spend too much time thinking about golf! Do you even remember the day we got married? Of course I do! It was the same day I sank that 45-foot putt.
After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had heard the old guys talking about their game, went to the pro and said, "I've been playing golf for a long time and thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but what's a rider? The pro said, "A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to actually get in the golf cart and ride to it."
What should you do if your round of golf is interrupted by a lightning storm? Walk around holding your 1-iron above your head, because even Mother Nature can’t hit a 1-iron.
Where can you find 100 doctors all at the same place on any given day? A golf course!!
Do you know why there are 18 holes on a golf course? Because that's how long it took the Scotts who invented the game to finish their bottle of whiskey!
I love the one golf joke, about the big lockerroom, where the newbie is sitting down and caressing his hemmeroids when he hears: "6!" from another bay, followed by intense laughter.
Then "3!" from the far left, followed by more laughter, and then "1!" from near the toilets. Uproarious laughter.
A bit of silence ensues, and he asks his host, "What's going on?"
"Well, we all know all the jokes, so we just say them by number. Saves time."
Just then, the silence is broken by "7!"| followed by even more slience.
"What happened there?" asked the Newbie.
"Oh, that was just Barney. He can't tell a joke."
One day a man decides to play a couple of holes before dinner. The first hole he hits a huge hook into the woods and just manages to find it.
He sees an opening and thinks he can get to the green. He hits his shot and it strikes a tree and comes right back at him nails him righ between the eyes and he drops dead!
The next thing he knows, he's standing before St Peter. Peter says "We've been expecting you."
He looks at his book and says "Well, it's seems you've been a good father and husband. You go to church and have a positive impact on the community. It also says that you're a pretty good golfer?"
The man says "I got here in 2 didn't I?"
Playing the 3rd hole one day with his regular foresome, a man owning a home on the hole, slices the ball right near his backyard fence.
While seaching for his ball, his mouth drops open as he spies his wife through the bedroom window making passionate love to another man. Irrate and unnerved, but not wanting his buddies to know about it, he continues with his round shooting a eyebrow-raising 135.
More scared about his reputation at the club and at work, the man resolves to hire a hitman to "take care of the problem". And what better access to his house than from the golf course.
So the man brings the hitman as his caddie at the next golf outing.
Before the round he tells his hired help, "Listen, make it look like my wife got angry at her lover and took out his manhood, then overcome with guilt, shot herself in the head."
"No problem", replies the hitman.
So on the 3rd hold the man once again, purposefully, slices his ball near his backyard fence. As they approach, the man confirms that indeed his wife and lover are "getting busy" inside.
"Ok, do it", the man says as he turns away, unable to watch.
The hitman readies, and waits.....and waits.....
"What's taking so long?", the man asks.
"If you'll just wait one more second", the hitman replies, "I may be able to get them both with one shot."
A husband and wife event was being held.
Three separate incidents occurred (three separate jokes).
1. Whilst the wife was waiting for her husband to play, she was struck in the buttocks by a ball from an adjacent fairway. She played on, but the injury started to throb more and more.
When they got home, the wife was changing her clothes and said to husband, "When it happened, I didn't know what hit me".
He bent down, inspected her derriere and said "I think it was a Hot Dot #5".
He blacked out shortly after, from injuries to his temple.
2. On the next hole, his wife had shanked her shot into the adjacent field. They had a quick look for her ball, and he found it, plugged into the most unusual spot in the rear end of a cow.
He lifted the cow's tale, pointed (towards the ball) at the cow's rear and said "Darling, this looks like yours".
He blacked out shortly after, from injuries to his temple.
3. Two holes later, the wife of the other couple (a real stunner, a honey blonde with long legs) also shanked a ball.
The husband (not the stunner's husband) was struck and bent over double with his hands near his groin, trying to stem the pain. The stunning wife rushed over. She was a masseuse and started to rub the groin of the victim.
"Does that feel better" she asked. "Yes, fantastic actually" was the reply. "But, my finger still hurts from being struck by your golf ball".
He blacked out shortly after, from injuries to his temple.
PS my wife does not play golf.
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
He said "How bad is it doc?. I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way."
The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."
So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries and goes on their honeymoon.
That night in the motel room she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them. She said, "You're the first; no one has ever touched these breasts."
He immediately drops his pants and replies..
"Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"