BOTTOM OF PAGE
Willie's Almost Eagle on # 15
What do you use to find the location of a golf ball?
A lie detector.
What do you call an itchy person who can shoot par or better?
A scratch golfer.
What do you get when you cross a baseball field with a golf course?
A diamond in the rough.
Did you hear about the golfer who didn’t have metal clubs in his bag?
He was iron deficient.
What do you call an angry golfer?
Teed off!
What type of beard is best for a golfer?
A goatee.
I’m green and I have pockets, but a Masters champion has never worn me. What am I?
A pool table.
What do you call a gopher on the golf course?
A caddie.
What is called after a golfer attempts to retrieve a ball from an alligator’s mouth?
An ambulance!
What do you call the area where golfers get high?
A pot hole.
What do you call a golf swing from a player not wearing pants?
A moon shot.
On what part of a course do golfers like to drink?
The watering hole.
What do you call the person who collects betting money for golfers?
A greenskeeper.
Where do criminals buy their golf equipment?
In a pro and con shop.
Did you hear about the golfer who used to wear colorful pants?
He had a checkered past.
What two places have lots of curses?
A witch’s haven and a golf course.
What do you call an online class for golfers?
Masters class.
What did the group of priests do when they came upon a slower group of golfers?
Pray through!
What do you call Simpsons characters who shoot par or better?
Itchy and Scratchy golfers.
GOLF PUNS!!
Time to par-tee!
Golf is my cup of tee.
Green and bear it.
To tee or not to tee? That is the question.
Sorry, we don’t give out par-ticipation trophies.
Iron Man.
The Tee Stooges.
I like big putts, and I cannot lie.
Golf forth and prosper.
Putter fingers.
May the course be with you.
Chip off the old block.
That’s a load of trap.
Go fore it!
Talk birdie to me.
Stop being a putt-inski.
The putt of a joke.
Fairway to heaven.
A par is born.
Take my wife … tees!
Punny golf jokes
What car does a golfer’s assistant drive?
A Caddie-lac.
What movie about golf took place in a galaxy far, far away?
Par Wars.
Who do you get when you cross a nightmare with a golfer who scored one over par?
The Bogey-man.
Who was the 19th-century sleepy villager who held his golf club tightly?
Grip Van Winkle.
What do you get when you cross a body of water with golf?
The Golf of Mexico.
What is a golfer’s favorite sandwich?
Peanut putter and jelly.
What do you get when you cross a funny golfer with a stretchy toy?
Silly Putter.
What do you call a story that involves golfers and spies?
Stroke and dagger.
What do you get when you cross a shallow pit with a golfing comedian?
An Adam Sand-ler trap.
What do you call the emcee at a major golf tournament?
The Masters of Ceremonies.
How did Moses prove that he was a good golfer?
He parred the Red Sea.
What do you get when you cross a person living in a monastery with a short golf shot?
A chip monk.
What do you get when you cross a golf ball that lands in a pond with a Deep Purple song?
Stroke on the water.
Where are you most likely to find a bear on a golf course?
In the cub house.
What area of the fairway is a dog’s favorite?
The ruff.
Did you hear about the golfer whose clubs burst into flames?
He had several irons in the fire.
What do you get when you cross a short putt with a cookie?
A chocolate chip shot.
What do you call a popular Sesame Street character who takes one swing less than par?
Big Birdie.
Why don’t bears use caddies?
Because they like to hold their own cubs.
What do you get when you cross a cereal-box character with one of golf’s all-time greats?
Tony the Tiger Woods.
Which British actor uses only metal golf clubs?
Jeremy Irons.
Which TV show featured a mother and five kids who made the expected number of golf strokes?
The Par-tridge Family.
What do you get when you cross a golfer’s pants with a chocolate snack?
A Knickers bar!
Did you hear about the golfer who turned into a party animal?
He turned bro.
What do you call a police van filled with golfers’ assistants?
A caddie wagon.
What do you get when you cross a funny movie about golf with Donald Duck?
Caddie quack!
Did you hear about the politician who’s working twice as hard?
He played 36 holes of golf.
What do computer experts use on the golf course?
An Apple cart.
Did you hear about the golfer who swung his club halfway?
He nearly had a stroke.
Who do you get when you cross a curving golf shot with a rapper?
Vanilla Slice.
What do you call someone who can golf and drink at the same time?
A multi-flasker.
What did the golfers say to their friend who held the club improperly?
Get a grip!
Where is the lie in golf?
On the scorecard.
What do you get when you cross an extreme golf shot with a pirate?
Captain Hook-ed.
What kind of patterned sweaters do pirates wear on a golf course?
Argh-yle!
Which ancient Egyptian pharaoh liked to golf?
King Putt.
What traveling entertainment show features bad golfers?
The Slice-capades.
Did you hear about the golfer whose shot landed in a music store?
He broke three records.
How would you describe an errant golf shot that landed in a dinnerware boutique?
A ball in a china shop.
What do you call a female pop star who keeps missing her shots?
Taylor Whiffed!
What do you get when you cross a golfer with Humphrey Bogart’s stand-in?
A double Bogey.
What do you call a golf shot that ends up in outer space?
A black hole in one.
Did you hear about the actor who took too many strokes on the golf course?
He wasn’t right for the par.
What do you call a skeleton’s second-chance shot?
A skull-igan.
What do you call a golfer retrieving a ball in deep water?
A scuba driver.
Which Star Wars character was good at sinking short shots?
Jabba the Putt.
How long did the golfer promise to stay married?
Till death do us par.
“I have a tip that can take five strokes off anyone’s game: It’s called an eraser.” —Arnold Palmer
“It took me 17 years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. It took one afternoon on the golf course.” —Hank Aaron
“The other day, I broke 70. That’s a lot of clubs.” —Henny Youngman
“If you think golf is relaxing, you’re not playing it right. ” —Bob Hope
“I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead.” —Bob Hope
“A photographer kept shooting me every time I swung. I was very flattered until I found out he was from Field and Stream.” —Bob Hope
“I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.” —President Gerald R. Ford
“If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.” —Jack Lemmon
“I’m the best. I just haven’t played yet.” —Muhammad Ali
“My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken.” —Raymond Floyd
“Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.” —Jack Benny
“The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.” —Phyllis Diller
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” —Lee Trevino
Golf Pick Up Lines
1. Are you a fairway? Because you’re looking like the perfect path to my heart.
2. Are you a golfer? Because you’re making my heart swing.
3. I’m no professional, but meeting you makes me a major winner.
4. Would you mind checking my scorecard for me? It seems like I am missing a number – yours.
5. Are you looking for the fairway? Because letting me take you to dinner is the only fair way this evening can go.
More Golf Jokes
1. How can you tell a golfer is really bad? He always has a spare scorecard.
2. What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? A skydiver has a better chance of landing on the fairway.
3. I shot one under at golf today. One under a tree, one under a bush, and one under the water.
4. Golf is harder than baseball because you still have to play your foul balls.
5. Why do golf announcers whisper? Because they don’t want to wake up the people watching.
6. In golf, people tend to get their numbers mixed up. They shoot a “six,” yell “fore,” and write “five.”
7. I’m so bad at golf that I have to go get my ball retriever re-gripped more often than my clubs.
8. Golf is an easy game. It’s just hard to play.
What do you call a blonde at a golf course? The 19th hole.
What should you do if you're golfing near lightning? Hold your 2-iron in the air, because not even God can hit a 2-iron.
How do you know a golfer is cheating on his wife? He always puts his driver in the wrong bag.
How do you "Tiger" proof a golf course? By stragetically placing fire hydrants.
Why are golf and sex so similar? They are the two things you can thoroughly enjoy even though you are really bad at them.
If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometime.
What's the difference between a golfball and a Nissan? A golf ball can be driven 300 yards.
Who taught Elin Nordegren to swing a golf club? Happy Gilmore.
What do you call a golfer that fights corrupt police officers, enemy troops and drug cartels? Jon Rahm-bo.
Where is the best place to go on vacation? In the Golf of Mexico!
What do you getll a blonde at the driving range? Lift your head and spread your legs.
What do you do after a round of 18 on a hot sunny day? Wash your balls.
Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants? In case he gets a hole in one.
Do you know why the game is called golf? Because all the other four letter words were taken.
It's not the size of your putter that counts, its how many strokes you take.
What do you call Jessica Alba joining you and your buddies for a round of golf? Fantastic 4-some.
A wife walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with his golf clubs. Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, "Well, you said I had to choose, right?"
What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!
Which course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble? Intercourse!
If the point of golf is to hit the ball less, then do I win if I don't play at all?
SO why does the golfer carry two shirts? In case he gets a hole in one.
What do you call a lion playing golf? Roarin' Mcllroy
Why did Arnold Palmer get beat up? Because he walked into the wrong club!
What is the difference between Rory McIlroy and Princess Diana? Rory McIlroy has a GOOD driver!
Why don't golfers in England work in the afternoon? Because it would interrupt their tea time.
What does a golfer do on his day off? Putter Around.
What did the golfer say to the hip hop dancer? Everyday I'm Schauffele.
Why do golfers put minus signs in front of their scores? Because subtraction speaks louder than words.
What did the duck say to the golf ball? Nothing it should have ducked.
What kind of model is Paige Spiranac? A hole in one of a kind model.
Why did the blonde golfing pro cheat on his wife? Because he thought every day he needed to play around.
What did the golfer say after performing yoga? "Damn, my shaft is all bent."
What did the Mormon say to his golfing buddies? After 18 holes, I can barely walk.
How does a brunette keep her husband from a blond working at a golf course? She makes sure he practices having a stroke first to make sure he's handicapped when he meets a blond working at one.
What is the similarity between four-putting and masturbation? You are slightly ashamed of what you have done and worst of all you know it will happen again!
Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five.
Mulligans are the reason golf balls come three to a sleeve.
"There are two things you can do with your head down, play golf and pray." -Lee Trevino
"Golf is my profession. Show Business is just to pay the greens fees." -Bob Hope
"You think so much of your old golf game that you don't even remember when we were married," said the pouting wife. "Of course I do, my dear -- it was the day I sank that thirty-foot putt."
Which is the easiest golf stroke? The fourth putt!
How can you tell which golfer is a womanizer? He's the one getting his balls cleaned.
Foursome Three guys, a teenager, his father and his grandfather go out to play a round of golf. Just before the son is ready to tee off, this fine looking woman walks up carrying her clubs.
She says her partner didn't show and asks if she can join them. The guys say sure, since she is quite a beautiful woman. The lady turns to the three of them and says, "I don't care what the three of you do, cuss, smoke, chew, spit, fart or whatever.
Just don't try to coach me on my game". The guys say okay and ask if she would like to tee off first. All eyes are on her ass as her skirt rides up when she bends over to place the ball. She then proceeds to knock the hell out of the ball right up the middle.
She just starts pounding these guys, paring every hole. They get to the 18th and she has a 12-foot putt for par. She turns around and says, "You guys have done a great job at not trying to coach me on my game. I've never shot par before, and I'm going to ask your opinions on this putt.
Now if any of your opinions help me make the putt, I will give that guy a blow job he will never forget. " The guys think, 'what a deal!'
The kid walks over, eyes up the putt for a couple of minutes, and finally says, "Lady, aim that putt six inches to the right of the hole. The ball will break left 12 inches from the hole and go in the cup."
The father walks up and says, "Don't listen to the youngster, aim 12 inches to the right and the ball will break left 2 feet from the hole and fall into the cup."
The grandpa looks at both of them in disgust, walks over picking up the ball, drops it into the cup, unzips his fly and says "That's a Gimme."