QUOTES:
"I DON'T SAY MY GOLF GAME IS BAD; BUT IF I GREW TOMATOES, THEY'D COME UP SLICED".
MILLER BARBER
"I WOULD GIVE UP GOLF IF I DIDN'T HAVE SO MANY SWEATERS."
BOB HOPE
"WATER HOLES ARE SACRIFICIAL WATERS WHERE YOU MAKE A STEADY GIFT OF YOUR PRIDE AND HIGH PRICED BALLS. "
TOMMY BOLT
"MY BEST SCORE EVER IS 103, BUT I'VE ONLY BEEN PLAYING 15 YEARS."
ALEX KARRAS - DETROIT LIONS DL
"FOR MOST AMATEURS, THE BEST WOOD IN THE BAG IS THE PENCIL."
CHI CHI RODRIGUEZ
"THERE ARE TWO THINGS NOT LONG FOR THIS WORLD - DOGS THAT CHASE CARS AND GOLFERS WHO CHIP FOR PARS."
LEE TREVINO
"GIVE ME GOLF CLUBS, FRESH AIR, AND A BEAUTIFUL PARTNER, AND YOU CAN KEEP MY GOLF CLUBS AND THE FRESH AIR."
JACK BENNY
"THE ONLY REASON I PLAYED GOLF WAS SO I COULD AFFORD TO GO HUNTING OR FISHING. "
SAM SNEAD
"COMPETITIVE GOLF IS PLAYED MAINLY ON A FIVE -AND-A-HALF-INCH COURSE, THE SPACE BETWEEN YOUR EARS"
BOBBY JONES
"WHAT OTHER PEOPLE MAY FIND IN POETRY OR ART MUSEUMS, I FIND IN THE FLIGHT OF A GOOD DRIVE- THE WHITE BALL SAILING UP INTO THE BLUE SKY, GROWING SMALLER AND SMALLER, THEN SUDDENLY REACHING THE APEX, CURVING, FALLING AND FINALLY DROPPING TO THE TURF TO ROLL SOME MORE, JUST THE WAY I PLANNED IT."
ARNOLD PALMER
"I'M HITTING THE WOODS JUST GREAT, BUT I'M HAVING A TERRIBLE TIME GETTING OUT OF THEM."
HARRY TUSCANO PRO GOLFER
"I THINK MOST OF THE RULES OF GOLF STINK. THEY WERE WRITTEN BY THE GUYS WHO CAN'T EVEN BREAK A HUNDRED."
CHI CHI RODRIGUEZ
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GOLF JOKES
Folger was searching through the woods for his lost ball when he stumbled upon another golfer from the adjoining fairway apparently doing the same thing. After the two of them had been poking around in the underbrush for a minute or so, Folger yelled out, "Are you looking for a Wilson?"
"No, I'm looking for a Jasper, " the other fellow yelled back.
"Jasper? Is that your ball?"
"Who said anything about a ball?" bellowed the man.
"Jasper, is my caddy."
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The two men were waiting on the platform for the 8:08 to pull in.
"Haven't seen you at the Club, Chad. You still playing golf?"
Chad shook his head, "No I swore off. Joined Golfers Anonymous Instead."
"What's Golfers Anonymous?"
"Well, whenever you feel the urge to play a round of golf, you call a fellow member and he comes over and drinks with you instead."
______________________________
"Caddy, why do you keep looking at your watch?" questioned Harris.
"It's not a watch, Mr. Harris. It's a compass."
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For his regular Sunday morning game Jack showed up followed by two caddies. "How come you brought along two caddies today?" asked one of the other golfers.
"The wife thought I wasn't spending enough time with kids."
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I used to play golf with a guy who cheated so badly that he once had a hole -in-one and wrote down zero on the scorecard!!
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The minister happened to overhear a discussion between two boys that consisted mostly of swear words. Leaning out his window, he eyed the two youths. "Do you know what happens to boys who swear all the time?" he asked.
The two stared up mutely.
"They grow up to be Golfers."
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The priest eyed his third putt on the green, steadied himself, and stroked the ball. It rolled in a straight line, then curled away from the cup, missing by just a hair.
"Darn," sighed the priest.
"I'm sorry Father." admonished his partner.
"But if you don't learn to swear better, you'll never break par."
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Chi Chi Rodriguez, on his accent:
After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American Golf Tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a Sand Wedge and he came back 10 minutes later with a ham on rye!
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Funny Golf Jokes About Bad Shots
My short game is great—if the goal is to keep putting repeatedly.
My slice is so consistent, I don’t aim for the fairway; I aim for a different zip code.
I didn’t hook the ball… I just gave a strong suggestion to visit the trees.
My drive had a beautiful arc. Unfortunately, it was shaped like a boomerang.
I finally fixed my slice… now it’s a hook. Progress?
I don’t always miss short putts, but when I do, I make sure everyone is watching.
That wasn’t a bad shot. It was an aggressive exploration of the rough.
My ball spends more time in the woods than a camping enthusiast.
I hit a great drive… if the fairway had been 50 yards to the right.
I read the green perfectly. it just disagreed with me completely.
My putting strategy is simple: hit it past the hole and hope for a better second try.
I didn’t miss the putt. I just gave the hole a warning shot.
My golf ball has commitment issues. It refuses to stay on the fairway.
My slice isn’t a flaw. It’s a scenic tour of every hole on the course.
I aimed straight, swung smooth… and the ball filed a flight plan of its own.
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The Putting Green: Precision
The easiest shot in golf is your fourth putt.
Why did the golfer bring a ruler to the green? To see how much he missed by.
I’m a “two-putt” golfer. Unfortunately, I usually have to “three-putt” first to get there.
My putting is like a bad GPS: It tells me to go straight, but I always end up taking a detour.
Why do golfers talk to their balls on the green? It’s the only time they can “get a word in edgewise.”
I hit a putt today so slow that a snail gave it a “thumbs up” as it passed.
What’s the difference between a golfer and a politician? A golfer actually wants to get “in the hole.”
I’m not saying the greens are fast, but I breathed on my ball, and it rolled into the next zip code.
My putting stroke is like a nervous twitch: Unpredictable and hard to watch.
I once had a putt so long that I had to pack a lunch halfway through.
Why do golfers use markers on the green? To remember where they failed.
I hit a “lip-out” today. It was the ball’s way of saying, “Not today, buddy.”
Why do golfers crouch down to read the green? They’re praying for a miracle.
Why do golfers hate slow play? It gives them too much time to think about their putts.
What did the golf ball say to the hole? “I’m coming for you… eventually.”
I’ve started using a “long” putter. It doesn’t help my score, but it makes a great walking stick.
Why do golfers close one eye to read a putt? They can’t handle the full “horror” with both eyes open.
My putting game is like a “mystery novel.” I have no idea how it’s going to end.
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The Caddy and The Pro: Professional Golf Humor
Caddy: “Sir, I think you need a five iron.” Golfer: “I think I need a drink.”
Golfer: “Do you think my game is improving?” Caddy: “Yes, sir. You’re missing the ball much more gracefully now.”
Why do caddies make the best psychologists? They know how to handle people who are “losing it” one stroke at a time.
Golfer: “How do you like my new clubs?” Caddy: “They’re great, sir. But do they come with a ‘swing’ included?”
Golfer: “I’d move heaven and earth to break 100!” Caddy: “Try moving your ‘head’ first, sir.”
Why do pros get paid so much? Because they have to “deal with us” amateurs.
Golfer: “What’s the best way to get to the green from here?” Caddy: “Take a taxi.”
Why did the caddy quit? He couldn’t “carry” the golfer’s ego anymore.
Golfer: “Is there anything I can do to improve my score?” Caddy: “Yes, sir. Stop playing.”
A pro golfer’s favorite movie? “Caddyshack,” but they call it a “documentary.”
Golfer: “I think I hit a bird!” Caddy: “Sir, that was a ‘birdie’ opportunity you just blew.”
Why do golfers trust their caddies? Someone has to be responsible for the “bad advice.”
Golfer: “This club feels ‘off’.” Caddy: “It’s not the club, sir. It’s the person holding it.”
A caddy’s motto: “Show up, keep up, and shut up.”
Golfer: “I’m going to ‘aim’ for that tree.” Caddy: “Sir, you’ve been hitting that tree all day without ‘aiming’ for it.”
Why do caddies wear white? So they can blend in with the “surrender” flags.
Golfer: “What’s the secret to a great swing?” Pro: “Forget everything you just did.”