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Willie's Almost Eagle on # 15
He walks up to his ball and sees that he doesn’t have a shot to the hole because there is a giant barn in the way. His wife says: “Honey, why don’t you open up the front doors of the barn, I will open up the back doors of the barn, you will have a perfectly clear shot to the hole and you can save par!” It was an amazing idea. So they open the doors and sure enough he has a perfect shot to the hole. He lines up his shot, takes a swing, the ball ricochets off the barn, hits his wife in the head and KILLS her instantly.
Years later, he remarries. He takes his new wife to the same course and when he gets to the par 3 he takes his shot and slices the ball way right directly behind the barn again. He walks up to the ball and just stands over his shot furious. His new wife says “Honey, I have an amazing idea! Why don’t you open the front doors of the barn, I will open the....” the husband interrupts her. WOAH WOW WOW WAIT A SECOND. I know what you’re going to say, the last time I did that I got an 8 on this hole!
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Not a joke, but underscores how humor is a necessary part of this silly, silly game:
My dad had a regular group that he played with several times a week. Back in 2008, Dad just had a heart attack out of the blue and died. He was a very well-liked, beloved man. Well, his friends wanted to do something nice, so they got a bench installed on a tee box with his nickname on it and all that.
A very nice gesture, right? Here's the funny part:
They put it on the par-3 fourth hole -- a hole that my father despised with every ounce of his being. He would bitch and moan about it every single time they came to the tee box. In the 10 years he played there, I don't think he hit the green once. He always either went in the lake, or chickened out and bailed right.
When they had a little dedication ceremony for the bench, half his buddies hit a ball in the lake, half of them hit it out to the right.
The bench is there to this day.
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This is a good one to use on your buddies when they hit a poor shot.
"must've been the shit attached to the end of your club"
buddy precedes to look at the face of their club for dirt or something
"no the other end!"
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Not a Joke, One Liner:
Playing with a group of friends, one guy is reading the green to putt while the others are waiting. The guy reading the green asks one of the others "what do you see" (in reference to the break on the green).
The persons response "I see a 3 putt for a double bogey"
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Grandfather, father and son ready to tee off when starter assigns them a fourth, a stunningly beautiful woman. Each of them are quite distracted the entire round, she’s just that hot.
On 18th green she’s got a very long par putt and says, “you guys have been awesome to let me join you, and I’ve played the best round of my life. Whoever can help me sink this final putt to break 90, well, she said smiling, I’ll give you whatever you ask for”.
The young man rushes over and eyes the line and says, “oh you’ll need to hit this one, its more uphill than it looks”. The Father takes his turn, stares intently and says, “ I see it moving hard right early, then pretty straight up the hill”. The Grandfather walks over, takes a quick peek, and says “its a gimme”.
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Jesus, Moses, and Noah are big golf nuts, so every weekend, they disguise themselves, head down to Earth, and play a round.
One weekend, they're playing at a famous course that the PGA plays on. They come to a par 3. 140 yards to the green, with nothing but water in between the tee and green.
Moses and Noah both decide on a 7 iron. So they take their irons, take their swings, and both land safely on the green, and in good shape.
Jesus says "Arnold Palmer always took a Pitching Wedge on this hole." So he takes his PW, sets up, and takes his swing. The ball sails about 100 yards, and goes "kerplunk," right in the water.
In a huff, Jesus picks up his bag, and proceeds to walk on the surface of the water, to the other side, and just drops a ball in frustration.
The foursome behind them witnesses this happening. One of the guys in the group says to Moses "Hey, who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ??"
Moses chuckles, and says "Pfft, no...he thinks he's Arnold Palmer."
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Husband wakes up at 5 a.m. and rolls out of bed to get ready to go for his 6:30 tee time. He gets ready opens the garage door and starts backing out and he notices that it's drizzling outside. He thinks about not going and then decides not to go pulls the car back into the garage and he goes and sits in the living room and watches TV for about an hour. He finally decides to go back upstairs,gets into bed slowly to not wake up the wife and he kisses her shoulder and he says "it's raining outside". The wife then says "and can you believe it, my idiot husband went golfing".
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A man got on a bus, with both of his front pant pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful woman.
The woman kept looking quizzically at him and his obviously bulging pants.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, “It’s golf balls.”
The woman looked at him compassionately and said, “Oh you poor thing. I bet that hurts a whole lot worse than tennis elbow”
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A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man." The other man replies, "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."
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Charlie and Bruce - both low handicappers - were flying around the course and having a great round before they came up behind two women playing together and they suddenly had to wait on every single shot.
"I think I'll go up and ask if we can play through," said Charlie.
"Good idea."
Charlie walks about 50 yards towards them, makes a quick U-turn and heads back to Bruce.
"I thought you were going to ask if we could play through?"
"I was - but when I got close enough, I realized that's my wife playing golf with my mistress."
"Are you sure? Lemme go take a look."
Bruce gets about 50 yards up the fairway, quick U-turn and comes right back to Charlie.
"What that a coincidence" he said.
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A doctor a priest and an engineer are all going golfing. They notice they’ve been stuck behind a foursome forever and eventually the course manager comes by and says:
“Thanks for your patience guys, the group ahead of you are firefighters who lost their vision in a horrific fire so we let them play for free.”
The priest, hoping to score some points with the guy upstairs says:
“That’s awful, I’ll be sure to pray 100 Hail Mary’s for these brave souls”
The doctor, hoping to impress, says:
“I’ll do you one better, I know some of the best ophthalmologists in the country I’ll ask around and see if there’s anything we can do.”
The engineer, hoping to finish his round ahead of schedule, says:
“Why the hell can’t these guys play at night?”
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What’s the difference between a rock climber and a golfer?
A golfer goes: whack! “Shit!”
A climber goes: “Shit!” whack!
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A lady is setting off to have a round of golf after a series of lessons with the club pro. 15 minutes after leaving the clubhouse, she returns looking a little flustered and upset. “What’s wrong” says the golf pro realising she’d only been gone a short time. “I’ve been stung be a bee” she said. “Where did it sting you” asked the pro. The lady replied “Between the first and second hole” “Ah”, said the golf pro as he nods. “Your stance is far too wide.”
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Bob walks into the clubhouse. His golf buddies see that he has a huge bruise on the side of his head. They ask him what happened.
Bob says I went out with the Missus for a round of golf. Everything was going great. Weather was good. Until we hit the fifteenth hole. You know the one that runs along Johnson's Farm. The Missus hit a real bad slice and it went out of bounds. I swear I thought I saw it hit a cow. So she won't let it go, and we end up spending a good couple of minutes looking for her darn ball. Can't find it anywhere. I happen to notice one of the cows acting kinda of agitated. I lift up the cow's tail, and there is the Missus's ball. I ask her does this look like your's?
And that's when she hit me with her five iron.
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A guy goes on a golf holiday, gets paired with a local and they decide to put some money on the match. The local ends up thrashing him so the guy asks if he’ll play him again tomorrow to win his money back. The local says yes, but he might be 30 minutes late.
The next day the local turns up with a set of left handed clubs. The guy thinks this must be an easy win, but gets thrashed again. He asks if the local will play him once more the next day. “Sure, but I might be 30 minutes late” he says.
On the third day, the local is nowhere to be seen. Half an hour later he shows up, with a set of right handed clubs. The guy is a bit pissed off but doesn’t say anything. The local ends up beating him for a third time.
Now the guy is angry and asks the local what’s going on, how can he beat him three times with left and right handed clubs.
The local says “Well, when I wake up in the morning I look over at my wife. If she’s lying on her right, I play right handed. If she’s lying on her left, I play left handed”. “What if she’s lying on her back?” the guy asks.
“Then I’ll be 30 minutes late” he replies.
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A young lady, new to golf, was taking her first set of lessons from the local instructor. After a few swings resulting in a duff and the ball rolling a few yards the instructor says "The problem is in your grip, it's all wrong. Loosen up, you're holding the club much too tight. Hold the club the same way you would as if you were pleasuring your boyfriend." A few more swings and the ball is rolling a pathetic 20 yards. The instructor responds "Well, that's an improvement. Try again, but this time take the club out of your mouth."
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My friend Tim (75) and I were playing when he hits his ball into a swampy, wooded area. While looking for his ball a frog comes up and says"I am really a beautiful princes. If you kiss me I will urn back into the princes and do anything you want." I left them to it. After the round I ask how beautiful the princess was? He said" you kidding, at my age I would rather have a talking frog!".
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Lois: “So what do I do aim for the pond?”
Peter: “No you don’t aim for the pond”
Lois: “But you hit it in the water?”
Peter: “I didn’t mean to hit it in the water”
Lois: “So why did you hit it in the water?”
Peter: “BECAUSE THIS IS FUN, WE’RE HAVING FUN!!! AGGHHHHHHHHHH! breaks club”
Family Guy went golfing
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What do you use to find the location of a golf ball?
A lie detector.
What do you call an itchy person who can shoot par or better?
A scratch golfer.
What do you get when you cross a baseball field with a golf course?
A diamond in the rough.
Did you hear about the golfer who didn’t have metal clubs in his bag?
He was iron deficient.
What do you call an angry golfer?
Teed off!
What type of beard is best for a golfer?
A goatee.
I’m green and I have pockets, but a Masters champion has never worn me. What am I?
A pool table.
The answer: Burrowing rodents and caddies.
The question: Name two gophers.
What is called after a golfer attempts to retrieve a ball from an alligator’s mouth?
An ambulance!
What do you call the area where golfers get high?
A pot hole.
What do you call a golf swing from a player not wearing pants?
A moon shot.
On what part of a course do golfers like to drink?
The watering hole.
I collect betting money for golfers. What am I?
A greenskeeper.
Where do criminals buy their golf equipment?
In a pro and con shop.
Did you hear about the golfer who used to wear colorful pants?
He had a checkered past.
The answer: A witch’s haven and a golf course.
The question: What two places have lots of curses?
What do you call an online class for golfers?
Masters class.
What did the group of priests do when they came upon a slower group of golfers?
Pray through!
What do you call Simpsons characters that shoot par or better?
Itchy and Scratchy golfers.
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GOLF PUNS:
Time to par-tee!
Golf is my cup of tee.
Green and bear it.
To tee or not to tee? That is the question.
Sorry, we don’t give out par-ticipation trophies.
Iron Man.
The Tee Stooges.
I like big putts and I cannot lie.
Golf forth and prosper.
Putter fingers.
May the course be with you.
Chip off the old block.
That’s a load of trap.
Go fore it!
Talk birdie to me.
Stop being a putt-inski.
The putt of a joke.
Fairway to heaven.
A par is born.
Take my wife … tees!
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What car does a golfer’s assistant drive?
A Caddy-lac.
What movie about golf took place in a galaxy far, far away?
Par Wars.
Who do you get when you cross a golfer who scored one over par with a nightmare?
The Bogey-man.
Who was the 19th-century sleepy villager who held his golf club tightly?
Grip Van Winkle.
What do you get when you cross a body of water with golf?
The Golf of Mexico.
What is a golfer’s favorite sandwich?
Peanut putter and jelly.
What do you get when you cross a funny golfer with a stretchy toy?
Silly Putter.
What do you call a story that involves golfers and spies?
Stroke and dagger.
What do you get when you cross a shallow pit with a golfing comedian?
An Adam Sand-ler trap.
What do you call the emcee at a major golf tournament?
The Masters of Ceremonies.
How did Moses prove that he was a good golfer?
He parred the Red Sea.
What do you get when you cross a person living in monastery with a short golf shot?
A chip-monk.
What do you get when you cross a golf ball that lands in a pond with a Deep Purple song?
Stroke on the water.
Where are you most likely to find a bear on a golf course?
In the cub house.
What area of the fairway is a dog’s favorite?
The ruff.